New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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