yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
