it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize