"it" just moved
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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