I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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