dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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