my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
