I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
