I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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