I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
