I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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