dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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