why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
