HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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