He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
