thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
