I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize