so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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