So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
