nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
