my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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