she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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