Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Help. Why am I so naked?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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