I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
