She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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