so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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