We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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