Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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