please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
