Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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