My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
