You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
