you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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