I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The Olympian is in my bed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
