i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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