I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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