I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
