Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
