when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
