man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
