There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
