yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
