I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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