You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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