Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
