I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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