I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
