I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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