My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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