I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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