You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
