Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
