Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
