I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
