Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
