mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
now i know why i became what i already was.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My bed smells like the plague
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
