clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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